Have you ever been in prison? Do you know what it’s like to sit in a courtroom and listen to all this evidence that has been built up against you? Do you know what it’s like to sit and hear the judgment from the judge? Do you know what it’s like to have the guard to come and get you from the seat to take you back to prison? Do you know what it’s like to look at your loved ones as you’re being dragged away? Do you know what it’s like to deal with the tears in their eyes? Do you know what it’s like to deal with the hurt they feel?
Here’s my story. I was an active duty military spouse (now a retired one) and my family and I just moved to a new area. We thought we were going to get this fresh new beginning and start restoring a lot of what was broken. Well it wasn’t even a month before my husband got the call to say they were deploying. When he got the call it was a matter of days before he was shipped off.
I remember this day as if it was yesterday because the way he left due to a certain leader. We thought we still had some days before he left but he was ripped out that very same day that they went in for an alert call. I will never forget the day because I remember us holding on to each other so tight and tears streaming down my face.
Let me interject this in here real quick. When the enemy wants to attack you he will remove headship out the way to make sure he accomplishes what he wants to do. I I’m covered by my husband and the covering was removed. When he would deploy I had to wait on his phone call. I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call him. We, military spouses, have to wait for the phone calls so I couldn’t get up and say hey babe this happened or hey babe that’s happened. I would have to wait for him to call but even in that I can’t release everything unto him because he has a job to do overseas so certain things I need to handle on my own or military spouses have to handle on their own because we don’t want to release too much information to them to where they can’t function and fight for their lives. If we want them to return home they have to have their head in the game. The enemy knows this, therefore, he removed my covering and when you remove a covering, a blanket, or comforter. You are now venerable and accessible. Now, the children didn’t know how to feel so I kept him home from school the next day. That was the beginning.
Back to the subject at hand…No one ever expects to go to jail. No one wakes up and says oh I’m going to jail today. No one goes about their day thinking they are getting ready to go to jail for an unestimated time.
Well, one day my brother calls me (while my husband was deployed, covering gone) and I was really going through it so I wasn’t as guarded spiritually as I should have been. I wasn’t ready for what was coming and I wasn’t prepared. I was not healed from the previous deployment or the previous duty station. I still had a lot to be healed from and a lot to overcome. This is what the enemy does; he waits for you to be at your most vulnerable moment and that’s when he strikes. He never strikes the iron while it’s hot, he waits til it cools off so when he strikes you can use the iron but he won’t be burned.
Back to the story. My brother said to me that he needed me to pray for his friend who is thinking about suicide. Of course as the good ol’ Christian, I was like sure yes, let me speak with her. Well, this young lady was dealing with depression and a suicidal spirit. I prayed for her and she lived…she lived but after being at ylc2018 this past weekend, I thought you myself, was it that she was going to die anyway? Or was it a setup from the enemy to transfer that (death) sentence? Ever since I prayed for that young lady I have fought depression and suicide on numerous occasions. My husband had to come home from deployment not early but at their appointed time to return and redeploy, he came home to a broken wife, more so broken then I was before he left. He saw and did things to make sure I was good and for that time I came out of it but only for a little bit. I could not explain why I was feeling the way I was feeling and how was functioning the way I was functioning. I did know that I was tired though. I was tired of everything; not only did I have to deal with that but to also deal with my husband being deployed and the boys cutting up while he was gone. I can’t even say the boys were cutting up but they endured a lot and it was some of the things I knew that they were going to endure here living in Georgia. Therefore, they adapted to their environment to survive it.
Anyway, I have dealt with depression and suicide since 2010. I didn’t know how to function with it but I did go see someone. Well after ylc2018, during one of the worship services I had a vision. The vision was about me walking out of my jail cell but the important thing about this vision is the door was never closed. There wasn’t a door; it was like a dungeon but there was no door which means I kept myself in that prison for 8 years. This time I walked out of that prison! Jesus pardoned my prison sentence. I was released from depression and from suicide!
#BringMeTheWheelchair is what was happening at the YLC2018. People were getting out their wheelchairs!!! I wasn’t in a physical wheelchair but in a spiritual one. Nevertheless, I came out my wheelchair!!! A lot of us are in spiritual wheelchairs like the woman that was in the synagogue who was bent over for 18 years. Jesus called that woman called out to that woman, not even by name, but she knew He was talking to her. He called her and caused her to straighten up. I call you, those in the spiritual wheelchairs, get up and straighten up; take up your bed and walk, today! You don’t have to be bent over anymore! #BringMeTheWheelchair
When I say no one really knows what that means to me, I mean exactly what I say. Not even two weeks ago, I was fighting suicide. I spiraled….I spiraled, and I spiraled out of control. That was just too weeks ago. However, that Saturday my Pastor, Kenneth K. Law, preached a powerful message, powerful! I told him that following Sunday morning at church, he just don’t understand what that message did for me. He had no clue that just a couple days prior I was contemplating different ways to commit suicide. That day when I walked up into the church for the K7 Leadership conference at church, it took me everything that was in me to get up and go to church that day, especially to serve. He don’t even understand what it took for me to get there and then to preach the message that he did spoke straight to my Spirit.
However, I still needed a release. I still needed to understand where this came from. Pastor Law has been teaching about what is underneath the surface. I’m dealing with what’s underneath the surface; depression and suicide was underneath the surface and I needed to find out where this originated from because Pastor have been teaching about facing what we need to face so it can no longer be submerged but it can be brought to the surface and dealt with. Therefore, because he prepared that lesson, he prepared me to be released from that jail cell. I am pardoned!
When I arrived at the YLC2018, I could be released from jail because now I understood where it derived from. We have to understand what we’re fighting and we also need to understand what it derives from because we always need to go back to find out where it derived from. If you never realize the thing you’re fighting is trying to take you out of here then you do yourself a disservice and you keep yourself locked in that prison. If you want your pardon like I got mine, then you have to find out where it derived from especially if it’s something you hadn’t dealt with before or in a very long time.
Once the Father delivers you from something you are delivered, point blank, no questions! Therefore, that means there was a legal entry. Find your legal entry. Find where you gave the enemy access. The word says we are to guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. I should have guarded myself. I, now looking back on it, realize that girl was never going to commit suicide the enemy wanted a legal entry and I gave it to him. I was not in a place to release somebody from something when I was dealing with what I was dealing with it because I wasn’t prepared nor healed. The enemy knew that! I think she would have never committed suicide. I believe it was the enemy wanting a legal entry.
The sad thing is, I gave it to Him because I have a heart for people but now I realize I have to guard my heart, guard my spirit, my mind, and my soul. I admonish you to do the same, but I also admonish you to go back and find out why you are fighting what you are fighting and what you have given legal entry to. I’m so grateful to be released and out my wheelchair and I’m going to do everything I can, within my power to maintain my deliverance. I refuse to go back into prison! I refuse to have to wait on another pardon. I want you released just like I got a release but I don’t have the power to release you from something that you don’t even know where it derived from or what you’re fighting. I don’t have the power to release you from something that YOU have to deal with. The only time someone has the power to release you from something is after you have confronted it and dealt with it.
Now that I understand where it came from I had to denounce it, plead the blood of Jesus against it, cover myself, ask God to forgive me, and walk in the freedom that He’s given me. Praying Abba Father, what you need to do is ask Him to show you what’s underneath the surface. He will show you and it will come up. You can allow it to come up the way you want or you can allow it to come up the way the enemy wants it to, either way, it’s going to come up and it’s better if it comes up on your terms and not his. Go in peace, grow in a release, and start your journey on your pardon. I thank God for mine!